The answer to the question, “What does it mean to be a wife or husband as a Christian?” is succinctly stated as this: it means to be the best version of yourself reflected in Jesus’s teachings. This definition supports the unique individual in each role within the boundaries of being a disciple.

Too often in marriage, spouses lose sight of who they are, what they value, and how they live. The reasons for these changes are numerous and widespread. One of the most common causes of the deterioration of self is how conflict is experienced and handled.

Conflict in marriage is normal, yet how it happens matters. Research has shown that the four horsemen of defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling are destructive to a relationship (Gottman, 2016). These behaviors are similar to biblical descriptions of carnal human behavior, such as rage, strife, hostility, and dissension (Galatians 5:19-21). Constructive conflict is reflected in the Gottman Method approach by such as a gentle startup, self-soothing, taking responsibility, and describing one’s own emotions and needs (Gottman, 2016). Biblical similarities to these approaches are found in multiple books, such as “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1), “love, joy, peace, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control” are fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and “one who is slow to anger shows great understanding, but a quick-tempered one exalts folly (Proverbs 14:29).

When relationships haven’t gone well for a long period of time, negative sentiment overrides the relationship (Gottman, 2016). In this period, spouses often get stuck in conditional negative reciprocity that says this: “My behavior is contingent upon your behavior, and I am refusing to change unless you do.” Defensiveness is often at the helm of this.

So how does a Christian wife or husband become the best version of themselves as reflected in Jesus teachings? While specifics may vary from person to person, here are several guidelines:

·       Become self-aware of your strengths and weaknesses.

o   You cannot change what you cannot see, and you will not change without the will to do so.

·       Take responsibility for your shortcomings and sinful nature.

o   Your response belongs to you.

·       Choose to respond out of the clarity of your convictions

o   Your beliefs and behaviors are connected. What you believe will ultimately be demonstrated in what you do.

·       Seek and pray to know Jesus, understand his teachings, and to renew your mind.

o   You must have an honest desire to know Jesus and follow his teachings in order to have aligned values and convictions. If you don’t truly believe it, you won’t truly live it.

While Jesus taught about many issues, there are 3 teachings fundamental to being the best wife or husband you can be reflected in his teachings.

1.      Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength (Mark 12:30)

2.      Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31)

3.      Clean the inside of the cup and dish so that the outside may be clean as well (Matthew 23:25-26)

Husbands and wives who follow Jesus understand the importance of the two greatest commandments and the necessity to clean their inner selves. In many relationships, one or both spouse’s love for God wanes or the love for their spouse falters. At times this is due to unmet needs or expectations, betrayals, or unrepaired relational wounds. Too often one or both spouses will deny or minimize their unhealthy, unclean nature. Jesus defined unholiness as evil intentions, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustfulness, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness (Mark 7: 21-23) and uncleanliness as greed and uncontrolled desire (Mattew 23:25). When we deny or minimize our unhealthy and unclean behavior, we are like the pharisees who acted clean on the outside, deceiving ourselves, attempting to deceive our spouse, yet not deceiving Jesus.

Therapy can help spouses become the best versions of themselves through his teachings by processing the unmet needs, hurts, rejections, and more that often interfere with healthy conflict and being one’s best self. Couples therapy with the Gottman Method can help spouses learn how to communicate by such as listening to understand, expressing empathy, and repairing regrettable incidents.

In conclusion, make a clear, conscious choice to be your best self independently of your spouse’s shortcomings and sinful nature. Know that it is possible to do, and remember that Jesus is a model for commitment, being the best of Himself, exemplified the best of Himself while in the worst of being beaten and dying on the cross. Individual and couples therapy can help you and your spouse navigate the intricacies of human nature. Lastly, being your best self means you get to keep who you are and not be a replica of your spouse or someone else. Being your best self does not mean living a life a part from Jesus. Being your best self as reflected in Jesus’ teachings means you are being the authentic you cleansed and whole through Christ.

Written by:

Christina Gentry, LMFT, PhD Candidate

 References

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.

(2015). Holy Scriptures: Tree of Life Version. Baker Books.